#AskAdaMarie: How do I advocate for myself without feeling awkward?
“Hi, AdaMarie! I know I’ve contributed a lot this year, but I get uncomfortable talking about it. How do I advocate for myself without feeling awkward or entitled?”
Dear Quietly Deserving,
First, give yourself credit for recognizing that you've contributed a lot this year. That self-awareness is not nothing. A lot of people move through their careers without a clear sense of their own impact. You have it. The only thing standing between you and advocating for yourself is the discomfort of saying it out loud.
So let's talk about that discomfort, because I think once you understand where it comes from, it loosens its grip.
The Awkwardness is Learned
That squirm you feel when it's time to talk about your accomplishments? It's real, but it's not a reflection of reality. It's a reflection of what many of us, especially women and people from underrepresented backgrounds, were taught: that being modest is polite, that self-promotion is unseemly, that good work should speak for itself and waiting to be recognized is the virtuous path.
Those lessons run deep. But they are not true, and they do not serve you. Good work does not reliably speak for itself. The people making decisions about your growth are busy, and they cannot advocate for a contribution they don't fully know about. When you stay quiet about your impact, you are not being humble; you are leaving a gap in the story that someone else will fill, or leave blank.
The awkwardness is not a fact about whether you should speak. You can feel awkward and advocate for yourself anyway. The feeling will catch up.
Reframe it From Bragging to Reporting
Here's a distinction that helps a lot of people: there is a difference between bragging and reporting.
Bragging is inflating, comparing, making it about your superiority. Reporting is simply stating what happened, accurately. "I led the project that cut our processing time by 30%" is a fact. It's information the people around you need in order to understand your value and make good decisions about your role.
When you feel the entitlement worry creep in, ask yourself: am I inflating, or am I just accurately describing what I did? Almost always, you're just reporting. And you are allowed to report on your own work. In fact, it's part of your job. No one is going to accuse a colleague who says "here's what I delivered this quarter" of being entitled. They're going to think, good, now I know.
Let the Evidence Carry It, So You Don't Have To
Part of what makes self-advocacy feel awkward is the sense that you're asking someone to just take your word for it, that it's your opinion of yourself against theirs. The fix is to let evidence do the talking.
When your contribution is tied to something concrete like a number, an outcome, a problem solved, or a deadline met, it stops being about you asserting your worth and starts being about a demonstrable result. "I think I did a good job" feels vulnerable and subjective. "I took over the vendor relationship and we came in under budget" is just true. The more you anchor your advocacy in specifics, the less it feels like boasting and the more it feels like sharing facts, because that's exactly what it is.
So keep a running record of your wins: the projects, the numbers, the moments you made a difference. Not out of ego, but so that when it's time to advocate, you're reaching for evidence instead of adjectives.
Start Smaller than the Big Moment
You don't have to leap straight from silence to a raise negotiation. Advocacy is a muscle, and you can build it in low-stakes reps.
Practice saying true things about your work in small, everyday moments. Answer "how's the project going?" with a real, specific update that includes what you contributed. Mention a win in a team meeting. Add an accomplishment to a status update instead of leaving it off. Each small rep makes the next one easier, and by the time a big moment arrives (a review, a negotiation, an interview) naming your value won't feel foreign, because you'll have been doing it all along.
The people who seem effortlessly confident talking about their work usually aren't special. They've just practiced more. You can practice too.
The discomfort you're feeling is a sign that you're doing something new. That's exactly why it feels awkward, and exactly why it's worth pushing through.
Your contributions this year were real. Saying so is not entitlement. It's accuracy, it's professionalism, and it's a gift to the people who need to understand your value in order to invest in you. You already did the hard part: the work. Naming it is just the last step. And you're allowed to take it.
With care,
AdaMarie
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