Circumstances Are Neutral. Your Thoughts About Them Are Not.
Here's something nobody told you in your first week on the job: the thing making you anxious in that meeting isn't the meeting. It's what you're telling yourself about it.
I know that might sound like a therapy reframe wrapped in a motivational poster.
Stay with me.
Because once you actually get this (like, get get it!) it changes everything. And I mean that in the most un-dramatic, completely literal way possible.
Let's take a scenario you've probably lived.
You're in a room — virtual or physical — and you are, objectively, the most junior person there. That's it. That's the circumstance. It's a fact. Anyone who looked at the org chart would confirm it. It just is.
Now watch what happens next, because this is where things get interesting. Your brain takes that neutral fact and immediately starts writing a story about it. And depending on the day, your history, your nervous system, and honestly whether you ate breakfast, that story sounds like one of a few things: "I need to prove I belong here.""I can't say the wrong thing.""I don't want to step on anyone's toes.""They picked me for this team, which means they already know I can do this."
Same room. Same circumstance. Completely different thoughts. And those thoughts? They produce completely different feelings, which produce completely different versions of you walking into that meeting.
This is not a small distinction. This is the whole game.
Here's what most of us were never taught: a circumstance and a thought are not the same thing. A circumstance is a fact. Something observable, provable, that anyone would agree on. You're the most junior person in the room.
This is your first team meeting.
The project has been underway for two years before you joined.
These are just facts. They're neutral. They're not good or bad. They don't have an agenda.
A thought is your interpretation of that fact. And unlike the circumstance, your thoughts are entirely within your control. "I don't want to step on toes" — that's a thought, not a circumstance.
The circumstance is that you're new and don't know everyone's working style yet. The thought is the story you layered on top of it. And that story is making you feel anxious, which is making you hold back, which is making you invisible in a room where you actually have something to offer.
See the domino effect?
This is where it gets practical, because I'm not here to just give you a framework to admire. I want you to be able to use this before your next meeting.
The move is simple, but it requires slowing down, which, I'll be honest, is harder than it sounds when you're juggling a full workload and building new skills at the same time.
Step one: Write it down.
Not just think it. Write it. There's something about putting your thoughts on paper that lets you see them from the outside — like pulling them out of your head and looking at them as an observer. You start to notice things you couldn't see when the thoughts were just swirling around in there.
Step two: Separate the facts from the stories.
Look at what you wrote and ask yourself: What here is actually a fact? What is my interpretation of that fact? You'll start to notice how much of what feels like reality is actually a thought you've been treating like a fact.
Step three: Ask what thought would serve you better.
Not a fake-positive thought. Not a lie. Something you can actually believe. "I was chosen for this team" — is that true? Then lead with that. "I can trust myself to know when to speak and when to listen" — can you get behind that? Then that's your thought going into the room.
The key is learning to choose thoughts that are useful, not ones that you think are true.
Here's the thing about thoughts and energy: people feel them before you say a word. When you walk in thinking "I have something to prove," your body knows. Your voice knows. The way you hold yourself in your chair knows. And when you walk in thinking "this is my space and I know how to be in it," that's different too. Not louder, not more aggressive, just steadier. More grounded. More you.
Confidence isn't the absence of doubt. It's trusting yourself to navigate whatever happens, including the moments you don't get it exactly right.
And that trust? It starts with the story you tell yourself before you even walk in the door.
About Dr. Victoria Farris
Victoria Farris is a transformational leadership coach, facilitator, and culture consultant who believes the way we lead shapes the way people experience their lives at work. With over a decade of experience fostering inclusive, resilient workplaces across law, education, and corporate sectors, she helps leaders develop the skills to lead human-first, building teams that are high-performing, deeply engaged, and inclusive.
Through Farris Consulting she offers workshops, coaching, and consulting focused on belonging, cultural humility, and holistic well-being, helping leaders and organizations build high-trust cultures that drive innovation, retention, and long-term success.
